


wear them out, if you want

by boyfrendery



Series: falter [1]
Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Canon Compliant, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Break Up, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-22
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 19:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20729621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boyfrendery/pseuds/boyfrendery
Summary: lucas talks to his friends about his breakup and picks up the pieces of his relationship along the way





	wear them out, if you want

**Author's Note:**

> title inspired by lyrics from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XM023yz_pI) song.
> 
> my debut luren fic! i tried something new with a non-linear story so feel free to let me know if anything is unclear. past events/flashbacks are noted by roman numeral, text messages by italics.

****v.

“Xuxi.”

Lucas swallows at the sound of his name. There’s an edge to Renjun’s voice — usually it runs inviting and warm to his ears, but now it’s tinted with remorse.

“Do you think we...” Renjun stops, voice hitching. Lucas doesn’t want to hear the end of this sentence.

They’re sitting in the living room of the WayV dorm, Renjun’s knees tucked close to his chest as they sit on the couch. Lucas is turned to look at Renjun, but the younger boy continues to stare at the empty television.

“Maybe we should- we should take a break, for now. We’ve known each other for so long-“

Lucas’ eyes glaze over. He’s staring at the profile of Renjun’s face but can’t see him: can’t see gentle curve of his nose, the corners of his eyes, the cut of his jaw. He can’t focus on anything.

He breaks the news to Mark through text a few days after it happens.

_we broke up_

The first message is hard for him to type but Lucas keeps it short, to the point. It’s like he’s admitting it for the first time out loud — this message finalizes it, that it’s over. He sniffles but continues typing.

_it was mutual. kinda_

_not really_

_im fine tho, dont worry _

_what_

Mark, the best friend he is, calls Lucas immediately when he receives the message. Lucas is in the middle of making a cup of coffee when he answers the call. “Bro, I don’t have the airtime to talk on the phone. Can we Facetime or— oh wait.”

“Lucas, the company literally pays for our phone bills. Who cares. Talk to me. What happened?” There’s noise in the background, feet stomping in unison as it echos off laminate floors. Mark’s in the middle of rehearsal.

“Let’s go for dinner when I’m back in Korea. I’ll tell you about it then.”

Mark sighs into the phone. “Alright... hang in there. You’ll be okay.” The call cuts and Lucas is left alone in the dorm’s kitchen.

He’ll try his best to be okay. That’s all that he can really do.

i.

Three knocks echo through the dorm before a shy voice calls out. “Lucas?”

A short boy stands in the doorway holding a backpack and luggage. His mouth is taut closed and he has a large stuffed dog underneath his arms. “Yeah, that’s me. Are you my roommate?”

The boy sets down his belongings and kicks off his shoes, then walks over to Lucas. His hands are small but grasp Lucas’ firmly in the handshake. “Huang Renjun, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. I, uh, already claimed the bottom bunk. Got here first and all.”

They walk together toward their shared room. Lucas sets down his jacket on the desk, suitcase at the the side of his bed. He sits on his bed and watches as Renjun puts down his items around the room, carefully climbing up the ladder to place the stuffed dog on the pillow on his bed.

“I don’t think you’d fit up here anyway.” Renjun bends over the side of his bed, his head hanging into Lucas’ view, gravity bringing all his hair down. He laughs in his upside-down state, baring a small, crooked smile.

Later that day when both boys sit in their room after dinner, Renjun leans over his bed again, his arm holding something that Lucas couldn’t quite make out in the dark. “Do you want one?”

He shifts closer to the edge of his mattress, taking a closer look at the box in Renjun’s hand. “It’s chocolate flavoured. I’ve got more Pocky in my luggage.” Renjun’s voice is broken up by bites in his speech, munching on one of the sticks.

Lucas accepts the offer, taking one out of the box, and Renjun slinks back onto his bed, remaining quiet for the rest of the night. Lucas finishes the rest of the movie he was watching on his phone before falling fast asleep, the smile on his face decorated by stray crumbs.

Lucas knocks on Winwin’s bedroom door, tapping at the wood with the back of his hand. His knuckles don’t get a second chance to knock as Winwin’s swings open the door. He eyes Lucas up and down, taking in the worn out eyelids and lazy outfit, and sighs.

“He already told you, didn’t he?”

Winwin just nods and walks back into his room. Lucas follows, closing the door behind him. Winwin sits on his desk chair, swivelling it to face the bed where Lucas is seated.

“Start from the beginning, Xuxi. How did you two even begin dating again?”

“We were roommates, remember? Back when we were both trainees.” Lucas’ voice wavers slightly, a lump caught in his throat. “And we knew each other for so long, lived together for a while— it felt right.”

Winwin doesn’t say anything. He waits, leaned over with his elbows on his lap, patient and quiet for Lucas to continue.

“I really thought we would be…” Lucas’ voice trails off. He inhales deeply, willing himself not to cry. “Do you think he regrets breaking up?”

Winwin mulls over the question for a moment. “All he told me is that you guys broke up, that was it. I didn’t pry for more or ask why. Just asked if he was doing okay. He would’ve told me the reason if he wanted to.”

The rug in Winwin’s room is soft beneath Lucas’s feet. He watches himself wriggle his toes, pressing his heels down more firmly into the floor. He blinks slowly and looks up at Winwin. “Was he okay?”

Winwin shrugs and tilts his head. “He said so, yeah. We were just texting, so I don’t actually know how he’s doing.”

Their conversation ends there. Lucas heads back to his room, feeling even more confused, the weight of his heart heavy as ever at the idea of Renjun not being okay.

vi.

“Maybe we should- we should take a break, for now. We’ve known each other for so long and I just think-“

Renjun pauses again. Lucas can see him in thought, carefully choosing his words. He wishes he could choose faster, get this done and over with. He wishes he couldn't see where this is going.

Impatience gets the best of him. “What good would that do?”

The question seems to shock Renjun. He looks at Lucas, eyes dry and cold.

“How would a break help us? We should just break up entirely, if you’re not happy.”

Renjun’s face hardens. “I never said that.”

“Then why do you want a break?”

“Because I- this is my last year in Dream and then I don’t know what’s happening. Will I join you guys in WayV? Will I debut in another unit? I don’t know,” Renjun’s voice is full of uncertainty. He’s always held a quiet confidence, built a wall of pride and assuredness around himself. Lucas can feel this conversation chip away at it. “I just… I can’t worry about anyone else except myself right now, especially when you’ll be so far away. I won’t even be able to come home to you anymore.”

There’s nothing Lucas can say to convince him otherwise. He doesn’t notice a slow stream of tears fall down his face when he says, “okay. I can’t make you stay with me if this is what you want.”

Renjun stares at Lucas, his own eyes beginning to water. “Okay. I guess that’s… it, then. Okay.” Renjun stands up from the couch and starts walking toward the door. Lucas wipes the tears off from his eyes and follows, catching Renjun’s hand before he opens the door.

“I’m forever yours, Renjun. Just say the word.” He leans down and steals a kiss on Renjun’s cheek. “Take care.”

A tear rolls off Renjun’s cheek as he sighs. “You too, Xuxi.”

“So you just... I don’t get it. Why’d you break up? You seemed fine. Happy.”

Lucas chases his soju shot with a mouth full of kimchi fried rice. The alcohol and spice burn his insides, heat blazing down his throat into his stomach. Mark takes his shot too, chugging water as soon as he sets down his shot glass.

“I’m still trying to figure that out too. I was happy.” Lucas pours himself another shot, then one for Mark. “I thought we both were.”

They cheers the shot and take it back in unison. This time Lucas washes away the burn with water, wincing at the astringent taste. He wishes the water could take away the burning in his heart, too.

“Maybe you should talk to Ten.” Mark reaches across the table for a bite of Lucas’ fried rice. The grains fall out of his chopsticks and into his cup of water. “Fuck.”

“Excuse me,” Lucas calls out to the waiter. “Can we get another cup? My friend is clumsy. Oh, and a spoon too.”

“Fuck off. I’m tipsy, not clumsy.” Mark tries to sound mean but he bursts into a fit of laughs.

The waiter comes back with a new cup and two spoons speedily. Mark grabs the bottle of water and fills the cup. “As I was saying— you should talk to Ten. Him and Johnny have the long-distance relationship figured out.” He sets down the bottle and picks up the spoon, shovelling it into Lucas’ fried rice and successfully into his mouth. “Ask him how that’s working out.”

Lucas pours out another shot for the two of them, the last of the soju bottle. “You might be onto something, Mark Lee.”

ii.

“Congratulations, Jungwoo and Lucas! Welcome to NCT.”

Taeyong raises up his glass and the 17 of them follow his lead, lifting their glasses — most filled with soju, water in the cups of the underaged Dream members — and loudly cheer into the air. They’ve come a long way.

Under the table, Lucas reaches for Renjun’s hand. He navigates slowly, intertwining their hands beneath the darkness of the table cloth. Renjun lets go and moves Lucas’ hand to grasp his thigh instead. He turns to Lucas and smiles. “Congrats, Xuxi,” he says in the middle of the cheers, nearly lost in the bellows of the group. They’re rowdy and tipsy but Renjun is sober, completely clear-minded. He leans over to Lucas and leaves a peck on his cheek, quick enough for no one to see.

Lucas’ ears and cheeks tint slightly. He doesn’t need the alcohol to send him into a dizzy state: Renjun is capable of doing that all on his own.

_hey ten_

_u free to talk rn??_

_i’m going out with kun. we’re going grocery shopping _

_do u wanna come with us :D _

_sure_

_i need some advice_

“Renjun and I broke up.”

Kun sets down the box of cereal in his hand and examines the display. “I had a feeling.”

“How did you know? Sicheng told you?”

Ten stops the shopping cart in the middle of the aisle. “Wait, you told Sicheng before me? I’m hurt”

A lady bumps into Lucas’ back when they abruptly stop. He bows apologetically and she grumbles on, carrying her basket of fruit. “Does it matter? I’m telling both of you right now.”

Kun pulls off a box of bran cereal and places it in the cart. Ten pushes it along as they walk toward the produce section.

“He said we should go on a break. That distance is hard for him, how he can’t spend his last year in Dream wondering or worrying about how I’m doing.” Lucas stops to pick up an orange and rolls it in his hand. “It was easier last year when we were all promoting together.”

“Yeah, tell me about it! Johnny’s so busy preparing for the tour, I barely get to see him.” Ten bats away the orange when Lucas teasingly shoves it in his face. Kun rolls his eyes and continues wading through the pile of apples in front of him.

Lucas places the orange in the cart. “How do you do it, Ten? The long-distance relationship stuff.”

“Lots of phone sex.”

Kun drops one of the apples in his hand, causing it to thud against the floor. Lucas is torn between bursting out laughing and jumping in one of the tanks of fish. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding. Hey, wait, Kun—“

Kun makes gagging noises as he takes ahold of the shopping cart, wheeling it toward the wall filled with green vegetables. Lucas and Ten walk quickly behind him to catch up.

“We message a lot. At least twice a day — good morning, good night, that kind of stuff. I send him selfies and he returns the favour. We call or Facetime when we’re both free. It’ll be harder in April when he’s in America and we're in opposite timezones,” Ten’s voice drops. “But it’s worth it. We’re worth it.”

Ten tears off a couple of produce bags and puts them in the cart. Kun takes one of the bags and clears his voice. “It sounds like he’s scared.”

Lucas allows everything he’s heard to digest. “What’s there to be scared of, though?”

Ten chimes in. “Commitment? That you’ll stop loving him? I don’t know.”

“Hey, who said that I love him?” Lucas huffs out. He’s trailing behind Kun and Ten now, making their way to the checkout area.

Kun turns his head to look at Lucas. “Don’t go denying that you love him now,” he scoffs. “Even if, _if_ you didn’t love him — which is wrong, because you _do_ love him — ” Kun pauses as he turns his head to face forward again. “He definitely loves you. We can all see it.”

Ten nods as he turns the cart into lane 6. “Yup. Kun’s right.”

They begin loading the conveyor belt with their grocery haul. It’s probably not enough to feed the seven of them but it’ll do. Lucas places Kun’s cereal onto the belt and starts walking toward the candy aisle. “I’ll be quick! Just need to get something.”

He comes back with several red boxes and uses the last bit of money in his wallet to buy them.

iii.

Lucas pulls on Renjun’s hand, walking a tad too quickly as they enter the stairwell. The shorter boy does his best to match Lucas’ pace. “Slow down, you giant!”

“Oh, sorry baby.” Lucas slows himself down but he could still hear Renjun try to keep up. “I’m just—“ he turns his head back to look at Renjun. “Were we being too obvious?”

Renjun giggles at Lucas’ question, making the taller boy break into a wide grin. “Probably. I’m surprised the managers didn’t say something sooner.” Renjun rolls his eyes and continues, “or make us stop the Live altogether.”

They climb the flight of stairs until they reached the Dream dorm’s floor. Lucas waits impatiently for Renjun to pull out his key, eyes darting around the hallway to see if any of their group mates were around. As soon as the door closes behind them, Lucas picks up Renjun in his arms and carries him, wedding-style.

“Hey, put me down! What’s with the rush?”

Lucas brings them both to Renjun’s bedroom. He struggles to open the door with his arms full of Renjun but manages to maneuver the doorknob, kicking the door dramatically as they walk in.

He sits down on the bed and sets Renjun down onto his lap, both his legs dangling off the side of Lucas’ right leg. His arms wrap around Lucas’ neck as Lucas kisses his forehead, down his temples, along the bridge of his nose. He looks into Renjun’s eyes and lets out a soft sigh before kissing him on the lips. “I’ve been waiting to do this for hours.”

The tops of Renjun’s cheeks become warm as Lucas leaves loving pecks along his cheekbones. Renjun’s eyes flutter close when Lucas kisses his eyelids.

“Well,” Renjun breathes out, voice warm and heavy. He looks down at Lucas’ shirt and begins to unbutton the white long sleeve, making his way down one by one. He tugs off the shirt from his shoulders, grazing his fingers down Lucas’ arms. “Now we have all night.”

Renjun pushes Lucas onto the bed and readjusts himself to straddle his lap. He unbuttons his own shirt, letting the black long sleeve open to expose his torso.

Lucas bends up and places his left hand on the nape of Renjun’s neck, pulling him down until their lips meet. His hand stays there, playing with the hair grazing Renjun’s neck, while the other reaches for Renjun’s shirt to pull it off. Renjun obliges, shrugging the shirt off completely before pulling at the hem of Lucas’ tank top. They pace themselves slowly, kissing gently as Lucas sits back up and uses both hands to free himself of the top, only separating themselves when he pulls it over his head.

The room warms up fast as Lucas wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist and presses kisses all over his face, trails down from the side of his jaw to the thin skin of his neck, sucking at the dip of his collarbone. Renjun tugs on Lucas’ hair as he sucks a bruise into his skin, which only coaxes the older boy to apply more pressure.

Lucas lets his tongue sweep over the bruise once before reuniting with Renjun’s. He keeps one arm around Renjun as he leans the other hand behind him, guiding Renjun to lay down on the bed.

Beneath him — flushed with warmth, the beginning of a bruise blooming on his skin, eyes dazed — Lucas can’t help but admire the beauty of his boyfriend. He dips down to kiss Renjun on the nose. “I love you.”

Lucas pulls back and looks at Renjun’s wide eyes, pupils blown out. His heart hammers in his chest until it stops completely when Renjun says, “I love you too.”

In the back of Lucas’ closet is a striped long sleeve, wide bands of black and white running horizontally. It perfectly fits him but runs oversized on Renjun, arms long enough for Renjun to make sweater paws. He presses the cotton against his chest, tilting his head down to inhale Renjun’s scent. It’s still there, lingering in the collar, up the hem and through the sleeves: Renjun, ever warm and present.

It pains him to do it, but Lucas tosses the shirt into the wash, alongside another one of the t-shirts Renjun would often borrow. He wears both to sleep, alternating nights as they cling tight to his body, until they smell like him and his sheets.

While Dream is overseas for a concert, Lucas convinces Mark to let him into their dorm. He stands at the entry to Renjun’s room for a moment, taking in the sight of it once more, then places the gift on Renjun’s bed. Folded neatly are his favourite clothes, topped with three boxes of chocolate Pocky and a note:

> these belong to you more than me  
wear them out, if you want
> 
> happy birthday, renjun  
\- forever yours, xuxi

Before he leaves, Lucas hugs the stuffed dog on Renjun's bed one last time.

iv.

Lucas wheels in a luggage in each of his hands, following Renjun as he swings open their hotel room door. The plane ride to Japan is short but tiring, leaving both boys feeling exhausted. He sets the luggages down at the front of the room and bounces the bed closest to the door.

“Didn’t think we’d ever be roommates again.”

Renjun snorts and opens his luggage, pulling out his pajamas. Lucas walks into the washroom to check out the amenities. Nothing special.

When he returns, Renjun is already laying underneath the sheets of one of the beds. “Get in here!”

Lucas peels off his shirt and pants, crawling to lay beside Renjun in next to nothing. It doesn’t seem to bother Renjun as he leans toward the taller boy, bring his head onto his chest.

“Oh, I didn’t know you packed my shirt,” Lucas says, kissing the top of Renjun’s head. He pulls him in closer, wrapping both arms around the smaller boy. Renjun's hands are hardly visible underneath the sleeves the striped shirt.

Renjun closes his eyes, smiling into Lucas’ chest. “I wouldn’t leave home without it.”

The months pass and Lucas learns to live without Renjun. It’s weird, moving on, but he knows in his heart he never truly will.

Comeback preparations, albums, photoshoots go by, both for him and for Renjun. On a September evening, when Lucas is ready to slink into bed and watch a movie off his laptop, he receives a message from Haechan.

_we’re doing a vlive at around 11:30_

_you should watch it_

So he tunes in, watching the fan comments flood in before the stream even starts.

The six of them are in a hotel bed, leaning against the headboard. And there, to the very right of the screen, is Renjun, cozy as ever in his striped shirt.

The last he remembers of the stream is Renjun laying on the bed, half his face tucked behind his outstretched arm. Lucas falls asleep while watching, his face turned toward the bright screen: the closest he’s been in months to sleeping next to Renjun.

**Author's Note:**

> luren is now my number one ship — sorry, markhyuck.
> 
> for visuals: the scene in iii. takes place after [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODQy5RSDQmU), iv. after [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ge_CL0XRDM). ending livestream refers to [this](https://www.vlive.tv/video/149247?channelCode=DB547B).
> 
> i wrote this in one night while playing _my favourite clothes_ on loop ♡ thank you always for reading
> 
>   
[twitter](https://twitter.com/boyfrendery) | [cc](https://curiouscat.me/boyfrendery)


End file.
